It is that time of the year again and our families and friends who have been holed up in all kinds of jobs in London abontinso and the hard streets of New York through to Texas, plus the many supposedly greener places outside Ghana have come or will come home for Christmas. For the third consecutive year we have these warm reminders for them. We are happy you are here but we just think that for the sakes of the continuous peace that we want to enjoy with you whiles in the “motherland” we must remind you of a few things. We know that most of you delayed your travel plans as you wondered if we will vote in peace or we will tear ourselves into pieces. You, as always, forget that Ghana people don’t change – we will rather fa ma nyame than fight over theft.
Anyway, my name is Kwame Gyan and here goes the third installment to our Note to our Christmas Borgas series:
1. Please imagine me whispering as I say this — we have a new President. He is a 72 year oluman. The people of this country were not feeling the 58 year old young man so they asked him to go and find something else to do. We hear the young man has been crying saaaa but how we for do. Please note that our new President is called Nana Addo Dankwa Akufo-Addo. Dankwa has no H and it is surely not the Q type. Akufo-Addo too is hyphenated and the F is not double.
2. Please we also have a new Electoral Commissioner wai. Her lip gloss is one in town. We saw her, we liked her, and the President gave her to us. I know what the silly boys among you are thinking. You are comparing her beautiful young face to that of Kwame Gyan’s uncle, Wofa Afari-Gyan. Stop that. It’s not nice.
3. Please do not come here to remind us that Dr. Papa Kwesi Nduom must be a sad man to have had less votes than the number of people he employs. We already know that and we have shared our commiseration with the good man. In any case what’s your beef? Did you vote some?
4. Oh we know you have a new President in your America and we know he is called Trump. In fact, we know enough to know that the J in his name is John. So please don’t come here and start conversation like “do you know we have a new president in America?” Nkwasiasem why don’t we watch TV here too.
5. And please don’t come trying to belong and pretend you are a Trump supporter. We all know you nearly s@#t in your pants when he won. For all we know you kraaa you are one of the many who behaved like Volta Region NDC supporters – to vote for the other side dieer they won’t vote at all.
6. Please don’t come and ask us what is in President John Mahama’s flask. He hasn’t told us. We don’t know. He won’t tell us. We can’t know. And Stan Dogbe and co too won’t tell us. What makes you think because we live with him in Accra we will know? But some say it’s Alomo Bitters. Others say is Jameson. Some too say it is purified water from the river that flows from Mecca and enters the see at Jerusalem. Only Oga at the top knows this one.
7. Please be careful how you approach some people now. See, some big people who were Ministers and MP at the same time or others who were friends of this government are about to lose the air of invincibility around them and they won’t be smiling much. Abi you know some of them already eh? Hanna Tetteh didn’t use to smile much so imagine her now.
8. Please if you were hiding and seeing some big NDC guy please understand him if he says the daily $2000 he was giving you has now reduced to a daily GHC 200 — I said 200, don’t add an extra 0 to make it 2000. See, (and I’m whispering here), he anticipates he’s going to be getting broke for a long time cos he won’t have access to free money again so take it easy wai, na Minister aye mmre. If you are smart, get a new boyfriend from the other side.
9. If you and people like Felix Ofosu Kwakye, Stan Dogbe, Koku Anyidoho, Kofi Adams, and co used to be fine paaaa please forgive them if they are not smiling much these days wai. They are both worried and sad especially as the “Nana Addo can never be President’ man is President. Boys aye steady.
10. The Theory of Comfortable Lead was promulgated whiles you were away. Just ask any NDC supporter to break it down for you. But the summary is that, the theory postulates that Comfortable Lead is for example when a guy thinks he’s got the girl and mistakenly gets a message to meet the girl up at some place only to show up and see the girl in a comfortable lead, sorry comfortable and compromising position with another man. Or just look at Arsenal supporters like Akwasi Agyeman and Samuel Attah-Mensah in September when their team is in a comfortable lead and juxtapose that with their faces in May. Do you understand?
11. The Christmas song for 2016 is ‘JM Onaapo’. It is our President’s favourite song. It is sang at weddings, in churches, funerals, outdoorings, engagements, and pretty much anywhere two or three are gathered. I even heard it is some people’s favourite lovemaking joint. You either dance along or pretend you have a long phone call as soon as the song drops. JM Onaapo, JM Onaapo ooooooo. The song dey bee moom.
12. Please this year the harmattan has decided not to come early. We are in December but rains still fall and it’s not dry kraaa. Don’t come and remind us where the harmattan has gone to as though we were all witches and wizards that could read the unreadable. But ibi like JM bore so e no want release the thing.
- Harmattan or no harmattan our weather gets cold and our gers – sorry, girls, love to bath warm water because the weather is cold. Don’t come and remind us that your London weather can be -4 and so our 21 degrees should not count as cold. Ah! You kraaa were you not here with us last year?14. Please we have the new Kwame Nkrumah Interchange — if you call it Circle Dubai I will call you a villager and then doubt if you came from Europe Europe, America America or the other ones. Europe Europe includes places like the UK, Germany, Netherlands and co. The other ones include places like….you know where. You gerrit? We won’t accept naming a national edifice by a city simply because it also has purple lights like some other city.
15. Please please please when you drive over the interchange don’t tweet or post or snap chat or instagram and say nansins like ‘wow you guys have an interchange here?’. When you came here last year we had the Mallam interchange, Tetteh Quashie so stop talking nansins as if you didn’t know. Anaa?
16. Oh and just to reiterate, we know that $200 is roughly GHC850. Don’t come and rub it in and yell the exchange rates in our ears. We already know and don’t need the reminder. Nansins.
17. Once again please drop your fake innit accent at the departure Gate at the airport you are flying down from. We know you can speak like us paaaa so don’t come here and do do those your things. For all we know you have not spent more than 3 months there mpo!
- If you are considering shopping for some of us, remember that because of social media we have huge shops that sell some of the nice things you people have in London and New York so we can tell a £2 or $3 shirt from a €50 or $100 ones. That your nkrusesem where you buy £1, £1 things and want us to lie down so you walk over us must stop. You either buy or don’t buy and if you are buying to papa preko.19. The girls, please let me tell you – there are very very very nice girls here paaaa walahi. So if you think you will come and flex us saaaa be steady wai. After all you are here for 2 or 3 weeks so what’s the point in stretching us for 2 weeks giving us just 2 or 3 days to enjoy the fruits of our perseverance. Gogo yourselves and let us show you GH loving papa paaaaa.
20. The boys too be careful you hear? We won’t tolerate those your things where you come and use our girls and leave without saying good bye. The least you can do is to leave them all your Cedi notes and add some five £1 notes.
- Please be abreast with our entertainment landscape whiles you are here. For example last year by this time the Coded Location boys who parked their car where they park the cars were the ish. We also had that guy called Too-Thoozin at some point. Today, there’s a new ‘star’ in town. Her name is Rashida Black Beauty and the hashtag has moved from #CodedLocation to #Malafaka – that is the unprintable word ‘motherf@*&er’ by the way. Ignore the fact that it’s a silly way to get famous. We are confused like that. We condone a lot of nonsense especially when we want to defuse tensions like the elections.
- We are sorry to have embarrassed you with some characters who put themselves out to lead our country. I know how it feels like to be watching a video of Ayariga, Odike, Akua Donkor, Ward Brew and then some abrokyiri person comes and asks you with disdain on the face, “who is that?”. You had to lie and say stuff like “oh some neighbor in your village who did a funny video”. We feel your pain because we are also in pain.
- Please we we had JM as President wai. You know what that means, when it comes to infrastructure we can be compared to even America and London wai. We have new roads — even if there a few potholes on these new roads, they are less troublesome than 4 years ago. That one paaa dieeer. In any case, stop complaining when your taxi or ride bumps into some. It won’t break the bones in your bortos. Or you can use Okada. They know how to dodge potholes paaa.
- Please as we said before, the way you mention an area to a taxi driver determines how much he charges you. If you say Osu in italics, the price is different from saying it in regular font, and if you are going to areas like Cantonments, Ridge, East Legon and those rich areas, be ready to pay more wai because they think you get dough! If you think I’m lying, try it.
- We too we got Uber babe! I said we got Uber in town babe! So take note.
- Please the Ghana Police of yesterday is the same as today and will be the same as tomorrow. Just give them $1 pe. The mere fact that the note has Benjamin’s portrait on it means they will salute you more than JM.
- Please, you all have apps on your phone that tells you the temperature in Ghana and it was same before you left so stop it already with the ‘Damn Ghana is hot’ nonsense. Get used to it. There is something called global warming. If your London is colder, our Accra is warmer. Don’t bring winter shoes and coats here and nag.
- Please do bear in mind that here we like to dress up even if we don’t have money! We ‘spote’ even to funerals. So check yourself and bring some decent clothes so you don’t look odd at special events. If you wear ‘moke’ to every place, we will laugh at you paa.
- Please don’t forget your malaria prophylaxis else your gluteus muscle will have to bear the pain of artemether in a G25 needle without an analgesic; your only consolation will be ”sorry 3y3 wo ya? Kafra.. Kafra.. 3b3 k) wai”. The mosquitoes know us. They don’t know you.
- Please if you are coming to marry ask yourself this question; am I sure he or she is not married already? Some of you people are bad. You want to marry here and marry there so you can eat here and eat there. Check on your spouse before you say “I do” otherwise….gbozaaa
- Please when you come and you attend shows and you see us Snapping and things and you act surprise, walahi we will slap you.Why is our Play Store and Apple Store different from yours?
- The words OPANA, INCOMPETENT, COMFORTABLE LEAD, must be used carefully. Look around you carefully before you used them. Yooooo.
****to be continued.